Friday, September 19, 2008

Eulogies for the Eliminated

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today not to praise the departed, but to bury them. For they are the meek that shall inherit golf courses, while those who remain strive for glory. They are the eliminated, the condemned. They are those whose bright summer seasons have grown dark and sickly like the colored leaves of fall. They are those who are left to play out the season, settling only for the bittersweet hope of playing "spoiler".

For today we are beginning to bury all those who no longer have a chance of making the Major League Baseball playoffs. For these teams there is no October Quest, no championship run, no dreams of ticker tape and champagne showers. Only the cold, dark, dismal reality of another season failed.

Dear Great Creator Doubleday, please take the souls of the 2008 Seattle Mariners, Washington Nationals, Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, Oakland A's, Cincinnati Reds, and Baltimore Orioles into your loving bosom. They were among the first eliminated this season, and all are now over 20 games out of first place.

We apologize, Great Creator, for this mass burial. But we unfortunately had not thought to bury them sooner, although there was little doubt of their demise. (On a positive note, however, we did a great deal on this corner plot.)

Beloved, please bow your heads as I say a brief word about each of the deceased.

2008 Seattle Mariners: Unfortunately, you threw all your eggs into the basket of a false god. Erik Bedard was not the answer, unless the question was "what was one of the most overhyped trades of last offseason?" Yet you gave up the farm, while you still counted on Richie Sexson. May you rest in peace.

2008 Washington Nationals: In a town of dissension, you were to be our rock. A stable guiding light that people from both sides could rally around. Yet you represented our nation with the weakest fighting force since Valley Forge. May you rest in peace.

2008 San Diego Padres: You counted on one of the most overrated pitchers in baseball to carry you to the promise land. If not for Adrian Gonzalez, you might be finishing in the California Penal League. The charge: impersonating the proud former team of Tony Gwynn. May you rest in peace.

2008 Oakland A's: Two pitchers with sub-1.00 ERAs and you are over 20 games out? Your demise speaks more to the strength of the Angels that you could not fly with, than your own personal vices. Even the sheer power of Thunder Matt could not save your season. May you rest in peace.

2008 Cincinnati Reds: You tempted fates by using Belisle Belial. Although the wicked communists of the Soviet Union have seemingly returned, you have yet to give us a Red Scare worth waking up for. Although Jay Bruce may save you soon, may you rest in peace.

2008 Baltimore Orioles: Another team full of promise, you failed to stockpile talent and follow the footprint of your divisional sister, the Tampa Bay Rays. Until you treat Camden Yards like the hallowed grounds that it is, the Great Creator will continue to smite you. However, because I am generous, may you rest in peace.

2008 Pittsburgh Pirates: 16 years of continuous futility? Forget a proper burial, you suck. May your rotting corpse end up in the belly of the Sarlacc, and may you find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.